"Get ..that ..stuff...out of my mouth." she croaked after eating another spoon of her mashed potatoes. Hearing her speak shook something inside of me.
I had obviously had a training session with a volunteer to help veterans eat their food. I had anticipated that the process will be a bit messy, so I was not squeamish when I held the utensil and spoon fed the patient. I sucked up my disgust and wiped her mouth for her and took out the food she spat out from her mouth. I did not, however, imagine her to look so old and weak...and helpless. I have never seen a 90 + year old woman in person before. Time does a lot of strange things to a person. was this how my grandmother was before she died? Is this what my mother will become?
The woman lay there in complete silence, her only trace of life was her moving eyes and her mouth. I was oddly okay with it all..I was okay with everything until she spoke "Get ..that ..stuff...out of my mouth." she croaked after eating another spoon of her mashed potatoes. Hearing her speak shook something inside of me. It made me want to lurch. Her voice scared me and her rejection made me anxious. The volunteer noticed my hesitation and took over for me switching her food until she spat everything out. I told him it was forcing her, he explains she's still welcoming the food by opening her mouth. I feel like I have violated the woman.
I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I can dissociate better than that, I thought I had complete and utter control of every emotion inside of me. I thought I was tough, heartless, insensitive, emotionless. I thought I can do this, but I still think I can. And I will.
I refuse to let this trivial matter stand as an obstacle in my way to become a doctor. I will be dealing with much worse situations than these. I should be able to dissect and operate on a living kicking screaming human being if I so must. I need to toughen up some more. This is completely ridiculous, this is just feeding, and I can't let it stand in the way of my future. I completely understand why "Cherry" doubted my ability to be in this program. I still don't doubt myself, I know I'm the type of person to bounce back and behave as if nothing in this world even happened. I can do this.
Man, I'm such a tsundere.
What do you think?