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Friday, May 2, 2014

Restricted Feelings

I just want to let something out of my system. I want to share these feelings, yet I don't want to tell anyone about them. This is pretty much what this post will be about.

You see, I unfortunately do public chatting, and have been on and off it since I was 12. I'm a bit ashamed about it because I've wasted a lot of time on it.
Anyways, that's besides the point. What I want to say is that it's so hard to interact with so many and keep a part of me restricted and limited. 
As you all know, I proudly wear a hijab (head covering) and I never dated nor will I ever, but that doesn't mean I don't desire it every so often. I also want to share pictures of myself with total strangers. I want to show pictures of my body, of my clothes, of my stupidity, my pretty and ugly. I want to brag about how awesome I look, and I want to be showered with compliments about how hot I am, and how pretty my smile is. I want to share all those videos I took of myself dancing and messing around; but I wont, because that's not my ninja way. haha sorry, I couldn't help it. I won't because that's not modest, and the hijab is all about modesty.
So, you might wonder why I don't just share those pictures of myself with the hijab? I agree with you guys, there's nothing but my face in those pictures and Islam doesn't say I have to hide my face and yet I can't. ...To be completely honest, I actually did with a few girls and guys that I've known for a minimum of four years and have seen pictures of as well, but I shouldn't have to half of them. It felt so good though, specially when one guy only saw my face and just told me I looked beautiful without me even asking him of his opinion. He found the picture online to my dismay, so I didn't even show it to him, he found it and told me I was beautiful. Which obviously shocked me enough to remember to this day.
I also had a crush on him at a certain point and he had previously told me several times that he liked me. But that's the thing, he isn't the only one and I wish I could date them. Isn't that silly? I wish I can date all these good people and be faithful to them all, but that's not right. I won't ever date, and I need to keep reminding myself to keep my personal information hidden. I'm the obsessive type, once I like something I obsess about it. I day dream about it and  even fantasize situations in my head of endless situations that could occur. I also have no self control, once I show one person my picture, I'm bound to show several others. That's why I can never make an exception for dating or skype calling because I know once I say yes to one guy, once we break up I will repeat the cycle. 
I don't want to be like that, I don't want to date, I just want to be acknowledged. I want to return people's affections and I wanna show off my amazing body I've been working on lately, and I want to prove something. I'm still not entirely sure what my problem is though. It isn't like I'm lacking anything that I'm trying to compensate for. I know I'm attractive, I don't want it confirmed, but I want to flaunt it.
I wonder if holding back such desires is part of this life's test. 

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