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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

 I fought with both parents today.

I got my period today. I wasn't throwing up and curled up from the pain, or unable to feel my feet from the cold that; no matter how many blankets I would be sweating under, doesn't seem to leave. My back and knees weren't aching and I was able to walk and talk. But I didn't want to. I was still curled up in a blanket. I took two pain killers because my stomach was giving that uncomfy feeling borderline pain for the past two hours so I didn't wanna move too much because I was afraid it might become serious cramps.

 Mom came home and asked me to cook something for her today but I told her "no, not today" she looked at me clearly upset. So, I explained that I have my period. At the same time my two sisters were fighting. My older sister can't sleep from the dust and my younger sister won't remove her things from the desk so that the helper can wipe it clean. So, that was going on in the background.

My sis also asked me if I was in pain..and i said no because if I was I wouldn't be on the laptop, but in the fetal position trying to lose consciousness by sleeping. She then, for some reason, told my mom that. My mom having had the last straw yelled at my little sister for not listening to her older sis. Yelled at the maid for not cleaning properly. Yelled at my older sister for complaining to her and not to dad, who was home before her. She then yelled at the fact she has to do everything in this house. And she was hoping to take a nap today because she only slept for about 4/5 hours while fasting and driving in the sun an hour to work and an hour from work. My mom then yelled at me for being mean because when she had her period she took us out for dessert. And she yelled at me for telling her to stop talking bout cigarettes. because apparently it shows how much we care about her health from our behavior. She also told me to never ever even say the word cigarette in front of her or else.... (I spaced out when she raged at me). She then screamed from the bedroom that she does everything for us after work and after iftar everyday while dad took a month and a half to shade the window of her car, even though she drives two hours in the sun while fasting. And that she was telling him to change the locks for two months then ended up buying them herself. She then pointed out that when his parents ask for anything it gets done the following day. She then closed the door on herself and went to sleep.
 I of course got upset because I wanted to be left alone when I'm cramping and instead, I get yelled at. I get yelled at cause she assumed from what my sister told her, that I wasn't in pain at all. I then got scolded by my older sister over a message i sent on facebook and I was just so pissed off that I played C4 and candy crush, but I ran out of lives and players before my mood was fixed.
When my sister went down to buy pizza, we watched a show we're following (with our dad) called Khawater. So, we didn't really set the table properly. When it was time to eat, I went to the kitchen to check on the food that I ended up making for mom while she was asleep, but I wasn't in the best mood. Those damn cigarette packets kept staring at me.

My dad got angry at my little sister for asking her too many times for the dates, and she told him to go get it himself. Of course that made him even angrier, and he was probably already angry from my moms raging. So, he started yelling at her then he threw the plate of dates on the kitchen floor, breaking it, and left. Once that plate shattered, my sanity shattered with it. I just screamed on the top of my lungs " WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"(laish 3melt haik) in arabic, and then surprised he heard screaming, he came back to the kitchen. he yelled back "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!"
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" I screamed again. and I don't know what he said...maybe he asked me what did he do..or he said he does what ever he wants...I don't remember but I remember asking him "enta bas beddak te2zeena?" "Do you just want to harm us?" I don't know how those words left my mouth. I don't know if he understood it as literally harming us with the glass because both my sister and I were barefoot in the kitchen, or understood that he was doing a lot of shit that hurts us or was not doing enough and it's hurting us. I hope that sentence haunts him, I hope my screams haunt him, and I hope my tear stricken face glaring at him from the stove haunts him.
This was the very first time I EVER raised my voice at my father and I just started crying. I hate crying in front of people...I rarely do it, and I look just miserable and I can't stop..and I can't breath, and I look like shit. It's just awful.

mom was; of course, awake by then, my little sister ran to her bedroom, my older sis for the first time in her life DIDN'T involve herself in the fight and locked herself with my other sister, and I just didn't have it in me to do anything in life anymore and locked myself in the bathroom sobbing until my mom kept knocking at the door for me to get out. And I didn't know if I got my heart palpitations when I was crying or not...and I don't know what it was exactly that made me cry...
maybe it was the fact that I fought with both parents in one day. That I somehow turned everyone against me.

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