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Friday, December 15, 2017

Despair

I'm absolutely miserable and stressed all the time.

My resting heart rate which was typically around 55-63 bpm is 84 bpm today. I understand part of it is the fact I'm not exercising anymore, but I can feel it elevated in my chest.

My palpitations increased due to this stress, I catch myself sighing heavily often specially since my coworker pointed it out. I've been getting heart burn quite a lot too, though that may not be related.

I can't say it's like the MCAT days...because it isn't. But it's applications seasons. Focussing heavily on physiotherapy and orthoptics. Though, between the two, I'm honestly not sure which I would enjoy more. I think orthoptics.

I decided I will have to ask to be put on part time starting next year. If they refuse, then I'll hand in my resignation letter.

My mom and sis are travelling tomorrow. So, I will most likely be cooking again and maybe cleaning.

The GRE is on Monday. Did I study for it? hah! Do I have a shot? HAHA!

I actually cry a lot too. I haven't cried a lot lately, this month and the one prior, but this Monday I went to career counselling, I cried three times in her office that she recommended I see an actual counsellor.

I'm no longer grieving over the MCAT, but I feel like I'm in a pit of despair. No time to hang out with the friends I still have here, no time for myself, no career, no good job, not in any program.

The only pro I have is that I saved $3,000 this year, but that's it.

That's all I have done. All that I accomplished this year. Pitiful.