Shards of Glass

Heart palpitations on Thursday in karate practice while kicking Justin. Thankfully, when it was his turn to practice aiming at my stomach, my palpitations stopped. Not sure how much, if at all, I should push myself during an episode.

I also went to sleep with my hands dry, then dreamt of broken shards of glass poking inside the skin and out of the other side. It was disgusting and painful. Even when i woke up, I can still remember the places of some of the shards.

Feelings,

...nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.

I didn't know thinking about a guy makes you lose your appetite.
What hurts the most isn't crushing on a guy, but knowing the guy that you're crushing on likes you and tells you he loves you but you can't tell him anything, or be together. It hurts even more that he thinks about the same things I do, but he's not for me. I feel like a whore in a way... maybe i was way too friendly in our conversations.
He actually thinks I'm too good for him...it's so augh...why. what if I only like people because they tell me they like me. This is why I think I'm a whore, I feel like I only like the way some men make me feel because just a few days ago I was insanely thinking of another guy. I want to so much.. but, what if it's for all the wrong reasons? I'm sure two days from now I'll come back to reality and he too will go back to his reality.
It's so hard too, feeling like this uptight bitch but at the same time leads men on. A tease that intrigues the interest but never satisfies.
I want to tell him everything in my head and everything he wants to know, but I can't. I know I'll regret it, and it will only hurt us more.
I just have to keep staring at their flaws until I look at them as nothing other than another friend.

Dream of being Chased

I dreamt I was somewhere outside with several university students having fun, face painting and such. Then I was going to take a ride home with a guy and he left me in his car alone and at that moment 6 men surrounded the car and started bothering me. I left the car and ran off to where my friends were located. I told them a group of men were following me and they had my back, my korean friend tried to distract them as I hid and escaped, i even tried karate moves on them. Some worked, some were futile. At one point I went half way home then returned because it was unsafe to leave the vehicle because they stalked me there too. Half of them were arab too and they were relentless on trying to get me. It was so scary, specially after my friends had to go home and I had less and less people to cover for me and help me out.
I resorted to calling an online friend for help, instant butthead velocity at which he sympathized over the phone with me and told me it seems like I'm in a bad situation. While talking to him I hung up by accident because I was once again found and started running off quickly. My biology professor took notice of this and asked me if they were bothering me. I answered "yes" and he was starting to call the cops when I woke up.
It was creepy dream, scary, but not scary. I felt helpless. I hated it.

On other news, it snowed in today so no school!

Peace,
M.D.

Death in Dreams

I dreamt my mom died again. Maybe it's because I haven't talked to her in over a week or two. This time, my mom didn't actually look like my mom, and there was a dead bear involved in the dream and my dad was crying over my mom's body feeling guilty he wasn't there when she died.

I also had the left half of my lower jaw removed, the whole bone. My teeth were attached to it and I was able to see the wisdom tooth within it too. It was disgusting.

Then I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm.


Also, I had palpitations while doing ba sai dai with Justin in karate. about 216 bpm, not the fastest I've had, but still.
Peace,
M.D.

Creepy

You know a guy is creepy when he watches you exercise. Seriously, did he really have to stand outside the gym watching me while I was doing push up, planks, and sit ups in karate? It was so awkward, I saw him and waved, but then he didn't leave for a good five minutes or so. I couldn't focus on anything, all I was thinking about is "holy shit, is he checking me out" "Does this gi show my butt?" "Is he still staring at me" " Don't look back, don't look back"
Maybe he was just watching everyone though...

Also, that same morning I tripped on ice and cut my palm up. It was bleeding in the bus, so I pretended my hand didn't exist.

I showed the pictures to my friend, I felt a bit bad because the second one I took knowing fully well he liked that nail polish colour! (it was a coincidence though)

I also ate some amazing Potatchos at Your Father's Moustache (yes, that's the pub's name) with several friends as a little girl's night out. I had my first Shirley Temple, but I didn't like it. I then walked with two of my friends to karate and then one of them's mom drove me home.

Same guy that was staring at me, messages me today telling me that I missed the 18 bus again. Seriously, he's creeping me out more and more.

First Time Face Painting

I volunteered today for relay for life as a face painter and it was SO MUCH FUN!

First Butterfly

 I was face painting with Pru (friend), I first did her face drawing a small panda on the cheek, then a butterfly on her eye.  People loved it, and they came to me asking for the same butterfly. I was so good that people didn't believe it was my first time! at least three people asked me if I was in NASCAD (an art school)! It was so fun and refreshing. People were relaxed, and then happy when they say their face. We has a line up of people. I mostly did butterflies, but i had the occasional piggy on the cheek, cat faces, and I drew an epic open mouthed shark on a girls eye. 

Only a few guys came to the booth, but two of them were gay (I think). One gay dude was SO HAPPY I was doing the pretty butterfly, he was like a child. He even told me to paint him like one of my French girls! I laughed so hard, cause he first asked me if I watched titanic, then I completed his joke for him. Then he said I was his canvas. May God guide him.

God, I had so much fun that I wish I can do this more often!

Here are SOME pics:

First Flower

Peace,

M.D.

Hazard to Myself

I don't know what is WRONG with me recently. This is the third time in a week that I hurt myself. First I bit my tongue on Thursday that still didn't heal yet. I cut myself yesterday with a freaking pencil case and now I burn myself with soup!
I burnt it like hours ago but it sting a bit..and i kept felting something on my mouth..first  i thought it was from the leak in my soup..then i figured it was burnt skin..but now i felt skin dangling from my mouth ...so i stuck a broken piece of mirror in my mouth and looked in the mirror..and that's when i shuddered. It looks messed up.

Quote of the Day: Clumsy

me: I think I tripped on her (my aunt) stairs.
sis: What else is new?
me: ...what do you mean?!
sis: you always trip on stuff.


On other clumsy news, I cut my hand on my pencil case (I think). To be honest, I just reached into my purse in class and cut myself.