Despair

I'm absolutely miserable and stressed all the time.

My resting heart rate which was typically around 55-63 bpm is 84 bpm today. I understand part of it is the fact I'm not exercising anymore, but I can feel it elevated in my chest.

My palpitations increased due to this stress, I catch myself sighing heavily often specially since my coworker pointed it out. I've been getting heart burn quite a lot too, though that may not be related.

I can't say it's like the MCAT days...because it isn't. But it's applications seasons. Focussing heavily on physiotherapy and orthoptics. Though, between the two, I'm honestly not sure which I would enjoy more. I think orthoptics.

I decided I will have to ask to be put on part time starting next year. If they refuse, then I'll hand in my resignation letter.

My mom and sis are travelling tomorrow. So, I will most likely be cooking again and maybe cleaning.

The GRE is on Monday. Did I study for it? hah! Do I have a shot? HAHA!

I actually cry a lot too. I haven't cried a lot lately, this month and the one prior, but this Monday I went to career counselling, I cried three times in her office that she recommended I see an actual counsellor.

I'm no longer grieving over the MCAT, but I feel like I'm in a pit of despair. No time to hang out with the friends I still have here, no time for myself, no career, no good job, not in any program.

The only pro I have is that I saved $3,000 this year, but that's it.

That's all I have done. All that I accomplished this year. Pitiful.

First Full-time Job

I hate it.

I hate not seeing my friends on a weekly basis.

I hate not having enough time to even talk to my online friends. I hate that I don't have time to do anything.

I haven't worked on my youtube channel, I haven't been cleaning properly, I haven't been able to apply to jobs.

My only escape is the mangas I read, and I keep running out.

I switched to Kafka recently, but he turns out to be a zionist.

Which makes me further hate my job, because of all the cognitive dissonance. It conflicts with the fact that I'm not supposed to be selling alcohol!!!

I'm trying to donate all the money associated with it. kaffara. repentance for my sins.

I hope I can get accepted into the writing centre. It's a mere part time job, but if I can just get that, I will be able to quit this job. I can't do this one. I can't keep supporting selling of alcohol, and commuting with zionist customers that tell me their credit card is "israeli" and buy sabra hummus when it's clearly arabic food.

I hate it.

I hate how isolated work is when there's a queue. I hate that I'm not always confidant with what I say or do in this job.

I want something better. I want to support local, support muslims, support arabs.

I want to teach and benefit others. I want to be respected in my job and not have to get yelled at every other day.

I honestly hate volunteering too. It's becoming a job that I don't get paid for. It's becoming a chore. I have to attend meetings, have to help out. Yet, I feel useless in these volunteer tasks.

I hate feeling useless.

I want to make a difference in someone's life.

I want to have more than 2 hours a day to myself.

Bees

This Tuesday, my one day off for the week, I got stung on the eye by a bee!


Yep!

I was facepainting the deck when my sister screamed and ran indoors.

I figured she was scared of the bee that was now hovering in front of my face. I stood still, and it got in my hijab.

panicked by the buzzing, I threw my hijab and glasses off. When I felt it pinch at my eye,  I jumped off the 6 foot ladder. I looked at the dizzies bee on the ground before another one appeared.

I just ran indoors not wanting to be swarmed.

and it fucking followed me to the bathroom. I saw it resting on my pocket in which I brushed it off and closed the bathroom behind me, trapping it in there.

Apparently my sister had grabbed the bee and it stung her hand in response.  This is why the bees attacked me as well.


Now I know, I'm not allergic to bees.

Raccoons and bees

Got stung by a bee on the eye yesterday while painting the deck..

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.

.

.

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Today I meet a raccoon for the very first time.


I am just...confused and tired from a long day. Shall update about this later.

On Call

First day on the floor of full time job. I'm pooped.

I've got two screamers already, quite unreasonable bunch. People have told me that I have had some bad luck.

Let's go back in time for the rest of the day because I'm tired for several reasons.

I went to see my friend who's leaving to BC tomorrow and help her out with some stuff and pick up some good items.

Ended up taking a small heater, a cute blanket, lots of nail polish, bed cover thingers, some heeled boots and a car snow scraper. I took a bunch of other things but those are my most valued items I took today. Yesterday I took a few pieces too which were really great.

I do feel bad for not paying her and not giving her a gift or even paying for her lunch at Sushi Nami. I was planning on doing so but she ordered ramen made of pork and I felt bad. I did pay for the dessert at DQ's though. But that wasn't nearly enough.

I think I will get her a Skagen watch for her birthday. Should be coming up soon!

I helped her pack a box to give to Value Village then drove her to get her license renewed but we both ended up wasting our time there. bleh!

She wasn't able to give me her research assistant job with Jones because Jones said she doesn't need any assistance for the next month. So.....bummer! I wanted more moneys.

Anyways, it was just really sad. I hate that she's leaving. I have never had such great friends until university and now they're upgrading in life and moving on and it just upsets me a bit. At the same time I am happy for them and wish them the best of luck.

I was 15 minutes late to work, no service to contact them either. Got right on there in calls. I don't know how I'm functioning, I'm so tired. It's just ...half are normal people, the other half are just a bunch of weirdos. Like I said, I got two screamers, and my last person was a rambler. I can't say I heard half of it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!


Peace,
MD

First Fulltime

I have been FINALLY hired!

Gosh, I must've applied to a 100 positions or so in the past couple of months! I only managed to get 4 interviews, including CHINA (I was desperate). I've been even rejected from staples, in which an interview was not even given.

My ideal would have been that one Research Assistant job where I could have delved into research, scientific writing, customer service, and administration.
However, I was accepted into this one amazing call centre who has a client that is based in NYC!

So, no matter how much I mess up, I will never really meet said customers. In fact, I may even talk with celebrities (doubt it).

what's amazing is how nice everyone is so far. All colleagues seem nice, we met the VP on the first training day, we have been told to reach out for help whenever needed, and everything is being realistic and straight forward. I love that.

I'm supposed to be paid 12$ an hour, it's full time, 2 weeks paid vacation, and my benefits will kick in in 3 months!

I asked to switch to the night shifts only, and I will get 13$/hr for that! Which is great! that way I free up my mornings for volunteering and hopefully if my friend passes her research assistant job to me, it would be glorious experience.

My resume is gonna get hyped, but what's great is that I feel so much more relaxed now. I feel like I have some aspect of control over my life. I'm slowly crawling out of the valley of despair and making peace and amends with the fact that I will never be a doctor.

It's hard, but at least even if I do not get accepted into any type of program or masters next year, I will still have a paying job.


Truely, Alhamdulellah.

Peace,
M.D.

BusyBusyBusy

I sit writing this at three in the morning.

but, I haven't quite gotten a couple of hours to myself for two weeks now.

First my Stats assignment, then studying for the exam, then my final. The day after, my sister and I cleaned the house for 8 hours straight because my family was coming from Kuwait.

The following day, it was some more tidying up and errands. Of course, I dropped my sister off at around 7:30-8:00 am then went back to sleep after I got home. I didn't sleep more than six hours altogether.
First day of Eid, I only slept for a solid 2 hours before I went to eid prayer at my university's football field. It was a shame my lil sis couldn't come. I love eid prayer because you really see the muslim community together. Dad met Alex for the first time, it was neither good nor bad, it went well, better than expected, but with my dad it can spiral either way. Now we have to play our cards right. Mom and I had to break down the conversation in the car to my sister, and I threw my mom under the bus so my sister wouldn't sound too bad. She got the hint and followed through with what I started and then later she apologized to mom, who said it was a smart move. We ate at Corra's where I left hungry and agitated that my sister kept offering my food to others because it was plenty in her eyes. Then we went shopping for furniture. (the house is empty)

Next day, my uncle and his family were to come from Toronto, so I cooked enough for 11 people, only to find out my uncle milked it and wasn't coming at 5 pm like I was told, but 11 pm. I also burnt my elbow by pressing it against the oven pan. I also applied to 12 Tutoring/teaching jobs abroad.

Today, I applied to another job... I dropped my sister off for the second time to her job, then I couldn't buy any gift for my sister's upcoming birthday because all the stores were closed that early in the morning. So, I waited until Spencer's opened, and the merchandise was disgusting. I also couldn't go downtown because dad called saying that my uncle wanted to switch to another motel because this one was bad. What's weird is that my dad's paying, and he could have at least googled or searched good places in the month he knew he was coming.
I did get fatayer, not the best, maybe just the meat. My dad was pretty hostile towards my mom. We went to P. cove. my dad and uncle were rather loud and embarrassing I had to tell them to be quiet a few times. My cousins and I took a bunch of pictures and climbed about the rocks there. Then we went to a memorial then to a place to make coffee for my uncle. Except said place they decided to sit in, has a no trespassing sign, so mom ended up leaving them and sitting with us on the public bench. She disliked doing anything immoral in front of us as to not leave a bad image or look like a hypocrite so we don't lose her respect. It reminded me of Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. Mom refuses I buy the book, but I think I will.

Afterwards, we got home, they got 4 lobsters, some fish, and also yesterday's leftovers to make and eat. Then we played uno, spoons, and cheater. It was fun. I heard the older folks laughing downstairs, when it quite I wanted to join them, but all I saw was mom and dad yelling then mom walked out for a smoke to calm herself which really bothered me. My mom is very stoic. I sometimes wish my parents would divorce, but I feel I'm in no place financially to do that.

It's just unfortunate. and I know it's because of grandma, but it's not just one persons actions.

Anyhow, today was the last day of eid. I will try to buy a gift tomorrow somehow after we go berry picking.

Peace,
M.D.

Something Sweet

My sister and I visited a friend who had recently given birth. Her child was all kinds of adorable, like a cat. And I absolutely adore kittens, perhaps the only creatures that evoke an unconditional love to. It had me thinking, if a child was this small, and adorable, and with such a sweet temperament, then perhaps it wouldn't be bad to adopt younger kids. It would be more interesting if I adopted a child whilst i breastfed my own. In islam, my own child and the adopted one would become siblings in nursing (thus never able to marry/ don't have to cover up in front of each other, etc.) Which would make them feel more like siblings growing up.

That would be absolutely beautiful.

With that being said,  my sister told me something really sweet on the car ride home. She said out of all of us, she thinks I would love my children the most. I was taken back by her sudden comment, and she said it's due to my possessive nature that I would love my children a lot. I never quite considered it from that perspective before, but she may be on to something.

I think she would make a good mom too though, I think anyone who puts enough effort can be a good mom. 

I wonder what the future holds.

Peace,

M.D.

A Fated Meeting between a Boy and a Cat

The boy walking home found a corpse of a cat on the street

as it was hit by a car.

He shrugged and kept walking home.

Soon enough the next day he was walking back from home.

He heard tiny mews.

Curious to the sound, he looked around and found a small kitten. The first encounter.

He picked the kitty up and took it home, assuming the deceased cat was the mother.

The next day he walked home

He heard another mew.

He looked some more and found another kitten. Startled by his findings he tried to look around had he missed more kittens, considering a litter can be up to six.

He found none.

He carried the second kitten home to its brother and did his best at washing them.

The third day he heard yet another mew, this time much more faint.

Panicked at the fact the mother has been deceased for several days, the kitten must be starved.
He looked around and found two more kittens, the latter barely moving.

He carried the two kittens back to their two siblings at home and put them in a shoe box, fed them some formula milk, and wrapped a blanket around a hot water bottle to keep them warm.

A couple of days passed, and their swollen eyes had not yet opened, unusual to their presumed age.

The vet said their eyes were infected, gave them some shots and said there isn't much he can do.

The kittens woke the kid up at night to drink.

Soon, they got strong enough to climb up his shirt, impatient kittens unable to wait while their siblings were being bottle fed.

They were beginning to play with one another, the first found kitten developed a habit of lapping at its siblings before falling asleep.

The swelling did not reduce and one kitten developed an infection between its legs.

The boy and his mother rushed the kittens to the vet, but nothing could be done.

They were put to sleep.

The end

The kid was me.

(Minor details altered in the story.)

Peace, M.D.

Failed the MCAT a 4th time.

I feel like I'm mourning the death of my unborn child.

I met all the minimum requirements 'cept for one. 123 on CARS (Critical Analysis & Reasoning Skills) section. 128 on Psych, and 126 on the rest. Absolutely pitiful.

It's pathetic that I should even feel this upset about something so mundane, yet I can't help but mourn my efforts and try and try and try and try again just to get crushed by this scaled exam that so many pass with ease.

Peace,
M.D.

3rd Project for Simulated Patient: The OSCE!

God, what a long day!

I just returned from my job as a simulated patient. I was participating in the OSCE exam, which today tested first year medical students.

We did four runs, and each run had ten students, and some resting time. I arrived by 7:30 am then left at 6:45 pm, but the great thing about this, is that it wasn't a hard job, it's actually really fun and I thoroughly enjoyed it. At first I was really nervous, because I had to have the questions I'm asking the students memorized, not my forte! I was afraid I would forget or mislead them in their responses. But, I got better and it's so interesting seeing the different faces and answers to my questions.

The food was great, so many veggie options and lots of snacks!!

 I really learned so much. I mean, I feel that I nailed how to answer the questions I asked, that's one. But, I think I learned how to answer questions too, I feel I learned how to give feedback from watching the examiners (and medical professionals) give constructive criticism and positive reviews to the students. I'm working on my own body language, seeing that my feet don't touch the floor because I'm vertically challenged, I tend to cross my legs, which is closed body language. So, I'm trying to lean forward while I sit so that I would avoid this.

Moreso, I networked a lot. chatting with the examiners and other fellow simulated patients really helped me pick my thoughts. For once, one person told me to look into optometry and orthoptics. While I knew optometry, I never knew orthoptics exists. Another person told me to check with Downtown's business commission because some events will be held and he recommended I ask that I face paint at those upcoming events. This could actually be great for the fundraiser I'm doing for the homeless shelter this year. I think I will do one event for myself and the other for donation. I mean, I am trying to make some money to pay off for the MCAT course I've taken.

When a 76 year old doctor talks to you about medicine and you almost cry... that was me as I was waiting for the bus indoors. It's pretty unfortunate that I'm caught between committing to medicine..and learning when to let go.

I think I'm very tenacious...so, it's quite difficult to balance the two.

Hopefully, all goes well, because if you're Korean you may understand this, I'm stuck in still water. I'm stuck in a lake...and the water just isn't flowing.

Peace,
M.D.

Quote of the Day: Herpes

MCAT Bio Instructor: So, the virus can be inactivated for even ten years sometimes.
                                    But a stressor, like the MCAT, can activate it sooner.



MCAT: Activating all the herpes!

6000 BC

Mom told me she missed me today. It makes me feel all fluttery because she rarely ever says these things, but she's doing so more often. Even dad called this year; he never calls. He also picked up the phone twice since new years.

Man, the conversation at the end with my mom was rather dull, but it felt so nice listening to her ramble about the presidents of the united states, then proceed in listing the rulers of Egypt since 6000 BC. It was kind of cute, actually, how silly this whole conversation was.

I then went to work for two hours, helping adjust the character I was to portray as a simulated patient. The first name I could come up with was "Farah Ahmed", so I figured I might as well make her Egyptian with that name!

I cooked some pasta at home, broke a glass on the counter, then the broken piece rolled and shattered on the floor. Fun.

Now, it's rather late, but I'll still try to fit some studying in.

Overall, today was a good day.

Peace,
M.D.

Two Cop Cars Came Over

I brought the cops yesterday midnight to my sister's workplace. The building is shared by more than one organization and I opened the wrong door from the inside while looking for a book/game closet. The door had a lock on it, but it wasn't even closed, so when I opened it, it set an alarm.

We were on our way out too, I just wanted to grab a game for Math Club (a program I volunteer in). I didn't know what to do other than close the door again, and i hesitantly told my sister so, we basically rushed out. By the time we left, two cop cars pulled over with one of the men who work at that company and I felt SO bad for waking him and wasting their time. So, I told the cop that if he's here because of the beeping, it was because of me. It was so awkward, but he actually thanked me after asking why we were there in the first place.

It was pretty scary how the two cops cars swerved over in front of our parked car. Don't wanna do that again!

I laughed all the way home in disbelief while my sis was scolding me. Can scratch that off the bucket list! Though, I don't believe it was ever on it.

Peace,M.D.

Jane Elliot

Augh....New obsession: Jane Elliot

Every once in a while, I become fixated on a topic, absolutely engrossed in it, perhaps due to my tenacious nature.

Topics vary from the Sansons: the executioner family of pre-revolution France; The Palestinian "situation"; The Saga of Darren Shan, etc...

This time I can't help but be involved with Jane Elliot's many similar videos and experiments on racism and subconscious discrimination.

So, I urge everyone to watch this snippet of what she says and how she delivers her message:

Now, you may already heard of Jane Elliot, or at least her infamous social experiment on her 3rd grade students: Blue Eyes/ Brown Eyes in which she divided her classroom based on the colour of their eyes and gave superiority to one, inferiority to the other, and watched as they mistreated each other solely for that reason. Grades, behaviour, reasonings, and friendships were ALL affected. Derogatory terms were even based on eye colour "blue eyes" was used as an insult.

I can't stop watching videos about her. She's a remarkable teacher, observer, and human being. God bless her.

Peace,

M.D.

Love me, love me not

So, this valentines, I discover that my friend who often flirts with me and jokes about marrying me for years turned out that he never actually liked me as more than just friends. Which was bittersweet for me, because I felt very uncomfortable and rather awkward thinking he did. At the same time, I appreciated the concept that someone out there thought I'm a suitable match.

I suppose I let it get to my ego. How embarrassing. 

Happy Valentines day,

M.D.

NTD's fundraiser!

I was asked to face paint for NTD's society fundraiser for this year as well. 

It was very interesting! I face painted this one tipsy girl and she said I did so well that she would recommend and pay me for my services for her future events. So, I gave her my number and contact info. Later on, she bought me a drink but I had to decline it because I don't drink. Then she asked who i should give this to, that I should just point at someone and she will say it was from me. I also rejected because that's indirectly giving someone alcohol. But then we sat down and she held my hand and told me that I should be rewarded somehow and I can ask for anything. It was quite funny, uncomfortable and yet a little cute.

Speaking of cute, the dj was fiiine! I walked towards his booth to request a song, but he couldn't hear me and asked me to come from the back. At first I did not see him properally because I took off my glasses, but once he got close he took my vreath away. He was so good looking, with long xlean tight dreads, and the perfect type and amount of cologne that just teases ur nose then disappears.

Man, last year it was a cute white british guy, this year a cute black man. I wonder who I would see next year!