Quote of the Day: Nails

 PT edition:

So, today I was complimenting my patient's nails and so I ended up saying, "Her, your shirt matches your tail!"

I also seriously told her while she was doing a modified bird/dog to never make a fist around her thumb, especially if she's punching somebody.

Also, there's your common miscommunication with colleagues. 

"Don't forget the folded sheets"

"What feta cheese?"

Quote of the Day: Addiction

 Mom: "I only had three cigarettes this whole day!"

Me: "Wow, mom! Good job! How do you feel?"

Mom: "Horny!"

*mom closes the balcony door behind her leaving me stunned*

Quote of the day: Incest?

 Him: ...."It would be odd to meet up with my sister's husband's father more than a couple of times a year..."

Me: hmm, his sister's...father in law...?

Him: ...."It really should be my uncle who initiates the gatherings"...

Me: "Your uncle?" His sister's husband's dad? or....no. It's his father's brother!

Him: "uh!, so is your uncle your dad's husband?"

Him: ... 

Him: "Wait until my mom finds out about this."

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A productive day!

I set up my alarm to wake up early so I can clean as much carpet as possible before heading out.

I got the vacuuming done and half the basement, but then I ran out to kickboxing.

I treated myself with a very small cup of fresh squeezed mango, since my BMI is technically overweight.

Afterwards,  I went to the mall to do some henna as a fundraiser. It was so much fun!

But I hated that I had to leave early and rushed home after picking up dinner.

I also swept the garage and cleaned the toilet!

I finally rewatched Forrest Gump. I really thought it was boring, and never watched it, but turned out I watched it ages ago, maybe 15 years or more ago, because I remembered that scene where lieutenant Dan was swimming without his legs. Because up until that scene, I thought you needed your legs to swim.

The movie was great. Very somber, yet witty and funny and such likeable characters.

Minor set backs, I had shit sleep...as usual. I stubbed my broken toe against the sandbag, which hurt a LOT, and I clogged, but then unclogged the toilet!



Alright. Peace out,
M.D.

Childhood Emotional Neglect

Okay, the title may be a bit misleading.

If you're reading this blog to understand what Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is, or whether you have it or not, then maybe my experience will resonate with you.

Last Tuesday, I found out something about my dad that, completely shattered my image of him. I won't discuss that in detail, at least not yet.

My sisters and mom knew for 2 weeks, but hid it from me, heck two of my aunts knew about this too. But, they were "afraid I won't know how to mask my emotions" which turned out to be true.

But, that isn't fair. because the way I found out, was waking up at 7:50 AM, on the second day of Eid over the sounds of my parents screaming. I pretended to stay asleep.

The fight continued until noon, there were breaks between the fights and by then Dana and mom explained to me what happened.

Needless to say, I didn't know how to process my emotions. Shocked, angry, betrayed.

But I kept calm, for the most part the first day. I was still trying to absorb it all and Dana was visibly upset by all of this since she spent the summer with him in Kuwait and saw more hypocrisy than I did. I took dana out to eat at Cora's since I didn't want to stay at home with dad alone and the air was too tense.

The plan was to go to the mall then to an Eid festival downtown. Dana wanted to get her charger from the house first, so we made a quick stop. I walked in with her. I did my best to control my emotions, but then he cried in my arms that afternoon saying: he did a mistake but didn't mean to hurt mom's feelings. That he played around and that he was sorry. That my mom asked for a divorce and she said the decision would be up to us (her daughters) whether we wanted our dad in our lives or not...not that he's even in our lives.

I let a single tear slip, but held myself together as my dad sobbed in my arms in a very surreal experience in my life. Dana ran upstairs to get her charger, but I heard her sob too.

I just stood there, wondering if these were crocodile tears. wondering why it was my decision to choose what happens to their personal life, wondering what he did exactly, how many times, why he was crying now. Was he crying because he was sorry or that he got caught. Then I got angry.

and angrier.

That anger built into an inconsolable rage over the week.

I was so angry, that I couldn't speak or even look at my dad. for an entire week, I avoided him. when he asked me a question, I told him to google it. When he walked in the house, I kept inside my room for hours, or kept myself busy planning my sister's henna party.

I was so enraged that I periodically would lash out at people. I couldn't contain my anger, and I had no outlet. I felt that all the guilt of spending money on myself over the years, has been for a man that spent hundred on his mom and mistress.

No one was proud of me for paying for my masters degree by myself. If anything, my mom thought I was an idiot, for turning my dad's offer down. I thought he would be grateful that his money would go into the mortgage instead. the money went to his parent's lawyer, his brother's car, and his daily starbucks coffee instead.

Meanwhile, I was counting every penny I spent on food while I was studying 12 hours a day on campus and budgeting myself. Savings by working in a call centre that gave me anxiety or working in a job I enjoyed but pushed myself to 60 hours a week to save for my tuition.

I cancelled my trip to NYC to see a friend I only get the chance to meet once every 4 years because it coincided with him visiting Canada and when I hinted it to him, he guilt tripped me into staying.

So, throughout the entire week, I felt rage and guilt and resentment. I probably still feel all those things, but they're under a degree of control. I used to start crying every time my mom would talk to me about it. But she wouldn't talk to me about how I feel, she would scold me for talking to him a certain way, she scolded me for talking about him with such a venomous tone that she caught him crying alone in the car. She told me that the tone I used was so vicious, that she thought I was angry at her too.
For 5 days, I was crying several times a day.

Dana called me selfish for making this about myself. My older sister tried to tell me that it's their decision and personal life and advised I should not get involved. Mom told me I have unresolved anger issues and clearly (as I told her before) I was holding on to a lot from my dad and this was the last straw.

She asked me if there is anything that happened to me in my childhood that she doesn't know about. But there was none. I was never abused, never did I experience a traumatic event, everything I asked for I got.

Yet, I had intimacy issues, I had cycles of guilt and resentment, and I never remotely considered myself a "nice" person, because of the thoughts I hold. I mean, I almost told my dad to kill himself, but avoided him because I was so scared I would say it in such a venomous tone that he actually might.

The cycles of guilt and resentment didn't start now. It didn't start when I was studying masters in school either. The peaked with my first mental breakdown during the MCATS, but I had them before then too. Before my sister started her anti-depressants again. It was also during my bachelors, even though I was so happy with my accepting friends and the results I saw over my hard work. But I did experience a lot of resentment and guilt towards my older sister for resorting to me when she needed help in her schoolwork. I had them in highschool with racist Kuwaities. I'm not sure when I started living in these cycles, but they're becoming more apparent with age.

Maybe that's why I'm also very independent, or at least, feel extreme discomfort seeking help in anything, because I don't want to bother people around me.

I stumbled on CEN, the thing that never happened to you in your childhood.

Maybe it's an exaggeration, maybe I am being selfish, but maybe I really do have Childhood Emotional Neglect.

My dad was almost always out of the picture growing up. Either he was in a different country, at work, at grandmas, at the gym or sleeping.
When he would eat with us, he would often be on his phone. When I talk to him, it would be a lecture, or disdain to my topic. If he went shopping with us, he would get cranky and impatient to eat much like a child.

He was also verbally abusive, up until I entered 10th grade. That was when my older sister travelled to Canada for university. By then, I was heavily dependant on online chatroom platforms where I sought my emotional support, and still do.

My mom was an introvert, raising three daughters like she was a single mom. With a full time job, an hour drive to and from work, and coming home to cook and launder. She had enough time to smoke a cigarette, grab a bite to eat, and talk to us while she was helping us study or playing a game on her phone or on her laptop. 

When we were in Canada, between my older sister's depression and suicidal tendencies and my younger sister being a toddler, I felt I had no time with my mom, but I couldn't blame her, because she was doing her best. I remember when I made some stupid figures, I would gift it to her, but she would forget about them because "love is not expressed through words, but through actions."
A lesson, I honestly don't think I needed to learn at 10 years old.

So, maybe that was the trigger? That was the CEN? It was certainly unintentional, but maybe it explains why I hated hugs and kisses after coming back from Canada, why I spent my time reading or chatting online, why I'm so independent and wish to live alone, why I suppressed my tears growing up and still struggle with processing emotions I consider "vulnerable".

If the blue applies to you, maybe you have CEN too.

Care to share your experience in the comments below? I'm sure most east asians and Arabs can relate.

Peace,
M.D.

First Fracture

Two weeks ago, on a friday, I went kickboxing and continued to spar with some guys there after the class was over.

I told one of them casually that more or less, I'm not afraid of being punched. What I was afraid of, was concussions, broken bones, or missing teeth. Then I proceeded to kick his knee with my foot (AGAIN, see previous post) during sparring and stopped the match from the pain. I asked if he was okay since it hurt me so much. He was fine, so I continued to spar with him.
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Then I sparred with another guy, but ended the match quickly because I realized I couldn't focus on much else other than my foot. I figured I sprained it.

The instructor came to check on me and why I was leaving so soon and I told him it was nothing, that I kicked a knee, but can still move my toes. I wiggled my toes at him for proof!

He seemed concerned but waved it off.

I couldn't put my aching foot in my shoe, so I drove home bare footed. It really hurt to drive back home, seeing it was my driving foot that hurt me so much. but there was no time to complain! Once I reached home, I threw some ice on it while heating the oven and preparing the food since the boys were coming over any minute now.

There was no time for pain, I quickly showered and crossed heat and cold on my foot. I didn't feel anything when the boys came, I was limping, sure, but it certainly didn't hurt near as much as my severe period cramps. When I bumped my foot on the stairs, I did find myself on my hands and knees from the pain which alarmed one of the boys a bit, but I again, quickly shook it off. I drove them home very carefully.

The next day (day 2), I woke up in pain at 7 am from my foot. It was very swollen, red, and quite inflamed. I continued to ice it, but the ice burned my foot so I just elevated it, and it seemed to work. Later that day I went to my friend's house. I limped all the way there, since I couldn't weight bare on that foot at all. I genuinely considered crutches. The boys, and my friend told me to get it x-rayed. By then, I started taping the pain with sports tape. I called 811, an RN picked up and told me to get it X-rayed ASAP.

I went to a walk-in clinic on Monday and X-rayed my foot on Tuesday (day 5).

The results should be given to my family doctor and given to me within 24 hours.

I had to call my doctor to get the results, it was broken.

"undisplaced avulsion fracture" of the 1st proximal phalange of the right foot. I broke my toe!

I won't get into explaining what that all means, but the doctor told me to continue what I was doing, taping, icing, and reducing weight baring on it.

She told me to take pain killers and wear a boot if the pain is too severe, but I couldn't feel any pain by then. Sure, it hurts when I put weight on it, but I just walked on the blade of my foot and off loaded my toe. Plus, I found this sleeve to put on it to cushion my steps in my placement.

I can't believe my cramps hurt more than this, but possibly due to decrease of nerves there? who knows.

I am currently still hunting down my X-rays. Both my doctor and the walk-in don't have my X-rays! I'm determined to see it for myself, or at least, see the follow up X-ray!

Peace,
M.D.

Kick Boxing

So, boxing was a bit too boring and difficult when you fight men and you're a 5 foot something woman with no upper body strength.

I also felt a longing to kicking, since flexibility is an advantage I have and decided to join Kick boxing.

The instructor recommended I jump ahead to advanced muay thai, since I have experience in karate and I'm apparently not scared of being punched.

Day three into it, and I think I sprained my toe! I limped my way around my second placement. I also have several bruises, and quite frankly, I'm unsure if the pain in my sides are due to muscle soreness or further bruising.

The workouts are so intense, I end up wheezing for air sometimes, and by no means do I have any asthmatic condition!

God bless,
M.D.

First Clinical Placement Reflection & Review

At the hospital ward, my patients were mostly liver transplant patients, IMCU, acute care, or AKI/dialysis patients. There were also the general surgery patients that occasionally dropped by in IMCU/ step down. I spent the first couple of weeks observing and taking in the many different procedures patients underwent, the process my preceptor used to see and prioritize her patients, and assisting a little bit in mobilizations of X3 assist patients.

During my placement, I familiarized myself with charting progress notes in the form of SOAP notes. I learned a lot about my treatment options and procedures.

For a day, I observed two surgical procedures; 1) a lateral thoracotomy for a mass removal of a benign tumour. I got to hold the tumour at the end, it was bigger than the size of my fists. It looked like an organ of its own as it had blood vessels growing all around it. It was a surreal experience, and at times, I did consider if a path as a surgeon. especially since the MCAT score has been lowered as a prerequisite. It made me feel rather gloomy for a bit, but then I looked at the facts. Doctor spend a lot of time behind paper work, much like physiotherapists, and they spend more than double the time studying and in debt prior to work. I can barely handle this two year program. 2) I witnessed a VATS procedure for a pneumocotomy. I then followed the tumour to the labs and watched the pathologist cross freeze sections of a metastasized tumour. I lowkey contaminated her office with the tumour too. yikes!

Over the six weeks, I went through a radiology tour to see how patients get cast fittings for radiology treatment and watched a couple of CAT scans. I also attended two weekly rounds, liver transplant rounds and patient ward rounds.

            I spent most of the time with patients who were assist X3 and later became competent enough to lead the mobilization of an assist X4 wheel chair to bed using a hoyer lift. I feel confident using the hoyer lift and organizing lines, drains, and tubed from the sheer volume of them I had worked with. I wrote new consults for new patients, and collaborated a lot with the staff in the hospital, specially the nurses in IMCU. I visited and worked four days in the ICU with acute care patients, respiratory failure patients, etc. I saw one patient progress from ICU to IMCU to a general ward room, and I saw a couple of patients regress due to deconditioning and multiple surgical procedures. For one day, I joined another physiotherapist in the thoracic and oncology units I set up goals with a demotivated patient, in which she followed afterwards. I sat in on my CI’s liver transplant outpatient meetings, in which I noted the effects liver failure has on patients such as jaundice, unfocussed eyes, muscle wasting, etc. I’ve been exposed to a wide variety of patients and cases, except paediatrics.

            I definitely feel confident and competent in mobilizing acute care patients from stand by assist to X4 assist. I did not, however, see or use enough breathing techniques, secretion techniques, or auscultations. Also, my subjective history taking skills have a lot of room for improvement. I was told by my preceptor that my soft skills are all there, communication, professionalism, compassion, etc. and that my hard skills will take some time as I gain more experience. I would definitely recommend this placement and my preceptor for future students, because I enjoyed this placement a lot. There were so many learning opportunities, but I feel that I learned the most I can by the end of it. I do wish I could have seen even more surgical procedures, they were the best.

It also worked out beautifully that I went at 8:20 am and left at 2 pm during Ramadan! I spent a lot of time sleeping, that's for sure.

Peace,

Peace,
M.D.

2018

I have not posted anything in this year, despite it being a great year.

As I stated in Despair, between the call centre job, the job and masters' applications, volunteer, grieving, and self worthlessness I was feeling, my mental health detoriated.

I continued applying to jobs, maybe a 100 applications were sent. I got accepted into a "financial services industry" which I might discuss more in five more years.

In this job transition, a man was interested in me, but I rejected him within two weeks.

Once accepted in the new job, I quickly quit the call centre.

I learned I was an INTJ personality, which was mind blowing for me. It really helped me shape and understand who I am and normalize my behaviour and emotions.

The hard work, hours, and efficiency I put into my job earned me the position of supervisor within 6 months.

I could have gotten there faster had I been more aggressive. Something I loved in that job, was I was being so appreciated. I was encouraged to be more aggressive and assertive instead of criticized for it.

But it wasn't perfect, and it had a glass ceiling.

I learned a lot in that job. I took many skills I never thought I would learn, such as reading computer cookies, and tracking accounts and activities through these cookies. I worked in Security and Investigations and I loved that it was challenging.

I ended up teaching it to others too and getting privileges in the company.

I also travelled to Hamilton for an interview, met with an online friend and got accepted at both Masters' programs I wanted from the very first application cycle, despite being late to both interviews.

I had given up on myself, but God hadn't given up on me.

Once I got accepted in the program, I talked to the director of the company. The only person higher than him, is the CEO himself.

He let me know that I'm welcome to work part-time, a position that did not exist in the company. He told me that he was surprised and disappointed with management that I wasn't promoted already. And that he was impressed with the comments I made in the group chats.

Managers I worked with were also impressed by me, and quite shocked to discover I'm a woman (communication is done through chatting and I have a unisex name). This always made me laugh in the office as it happened several times.

I just loved being appreciated, learning new things with minimal pressure/stress, and being useful to others.

I passed the first semester in physiotherapy through the skin of my teeth. It was not easy for me, as I do not have a kin. background, nor did I do honours. 15% of the class had failed and was asked to reapply the following year, but I wasn't one of them.

The isolation I felt from my classmates during the first semester only magnified in the second. However, I passed this semester too and onto placements!

Key messages: Be yourself, shamelessly. It too, shall pass.

Peace,
M.D.

First Physiotherapy Placement

Let's just say, it was not half as stressful as the course we took.

The first placement is a cardioresp. placement. It's in acute care unit in the hospital.

I was so anxious about it that I've been dreaming of falling teeth and professors for the past couple of days, but it wasn't stressful at all.

I need to write down my objectives, hit up some errands, and stop being so pushy.


Tomorrow, we will watch Avengers: Endgame.

Peace,
M.D.

Despair

I'm absolutely miserable and stressed all the time.

My resting heart rate which was typically around 55-63 bpm is 84 bpm today. I understand part of it is the fact I'm not exercising anymore, but I can feel it elevated in my chest.

My palpitations increased due to this stress, I catch myself sighing heavily often specially since my coworker pointed it out. I've been getting heart burn quite a lot too, though that may not be related.

I can't say it's like the MCAT days...because it isn't. But it's applications seasons. Focussing heavily on physiotherapy and orthoptics. Though, between the two, I'm honestly not sure which I would enjoy more. I think orthoptics.

I decided I will have to ask to be put on part time starting next year. If they refuse, then I'll hand in my resignation letter.

My mom and sis are travelling tomorrow. So, I will most likely be cooking again and maybe cleaning.

The GRE is on Monday. Did I study for it? hah! Do I have a shot? HAHA!

I actually cry a lot too. I haven't cried a lot lately, this month and the one prior, but this Monday I went to career counselling, I cried three times in her office that she recommended I see an actual counsellor.

I'm no longer grieving over the MCAT, but I feel like I'm in a pit of despair. No time to hang out with the friends I still have here, no time for myself, no career, no good job, not in any program.

The only pro I have is that I saved $3,000 this year, but that's it.

That's all I have done. All that I accomplished this year. Pitiful.

First Full-time Job

I hate it.

I hate not seeing my friends on a weekly basis.

I hate not having enough time to even talk to my online friends. I hate that I don't have time to do anything.

I haven't worked on my youtube channel, I haven't been cleaning properly, I haven't been able to apply to jobs.

My only escape is the mangas I read, and I keep running out.

I switched to Kafka recently, but he turns out to be a zionist.

Which makes me further hate my job, because of all the cognitive dissonance. It conflicts with the fact that I'm not supposed to be selling alcohol!!!

I'm trying to donate all the money associated with it. kaffara. repentance for my sins.

I hope I can get accepted into the writing centre. It's a mere part time job, but if I can just get that, I will be able to quit this job. I can't do this one. I can't keep supporting selling of alcohol, and commuting with zionist customers that tell me their credit card is "israeli" and buy sabra hummus when it's clearly arabic food.

I hate it.

I hate how isolated work is when there's a queue. I hate that I'm not always confidant with what I say or do in this job.

I want something better. I want to support local, support muslims, support arabs.

I want to teach and benefit others. I want to be respected in my job and not have to get yelled at every other day.

I honestly hate volunteering too. It's becoming a job that I don't get paid for. It's becoming a chore. I have to attend meetings, have to help out. Yet, I feel useless in these volunteer tasks.

I hate feeling useless.

I want to make a difference in someone's life.

I want to have more than 2 hours a day to myself.

Bees

This Tuesday, my one day off for the week, I got stung on the eye by a bee!


Yep!

I was facepainting the deck when my sister screamed and ran indoors.

I figured she was scared of the bee that was now hovering in front of my face. I stood still, and it got in my hijab.

panicked by the buzzing, I threw my hijab and glasses off. When I felt it pinch at my eye,  I jumped off the 6 foot ladder. I looked at the dizzies bee on the ground before another one appeared.

I just ran indoors not wanting to be swarmed.

and it fucking followed me to the bathroom. I saw it resting on my pocket in which I brushed it off and closed the bathroom behind me, trapping it in there.

Apparently my sister had grabbed the bee and it stung her hand in response.  This is why the bees attacked me as well.


Now I know, I'm not allergic to bees.

Raccoons and bees

Got stung by a bee on the eye yesterday while painting the deck..

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.

.

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Today I meet a raccoon for the very first time.


I am just...confused and tired from a long day. Shall update about this later.

On Call

First day on the floor of full time job. I'm pooped.

I've got two screamers already, quite unreasonable bunch. People have told me that I have had some bad luck.

Let's go back in time for the rest of the day because I'm tired for several reasons.

I went to see my friend who's leaving to BC tomorrow and help her out with some stuff and pick up some good items.

Ended up taking a small heater, a cute blanket, lots of nail polish, bed cover thingers, some heeled boots and a car snow scraper. I took a bunch of other things but those are my most valued items I took today. Yesterday I took a few pieces too which were really great.

I do feel bad for not paying her and not giving her a gift or even paying for her lunch at Sushi Nami. I was planning on doing so but she ordered ramen made of pork and I felt bad. I did pay for the dessert at DQ's though. But that wasn't nearly enough.

I think I will get her a Skagen watch for her birthday. Should be coming up soon!

I helped her pack a box to give to Value Village then drove her to get her license renewed but we both ended up wasting our time there. bleh!

She wasn't able to give me her research assistant job with Jones because Jones said she doesn't need any assistance for the next month. So.....bummer! I wanted more moneys.

Anyways, it was just really sad. I hate that she's leaving. I have never had such great friends until university and now they're upgrading in life and moving on and it just upsets me a bit. At the same time I am happy for them and wish them the best of luck.

I was 15 minutes late to work, no service to contact them either. Got right on there in calls. I don't know how I'm functioning, I'm so tired. It's just ...half are normal people, the other half are just a bunch of weirdos. Like I said, I got two screamers, and my last person was a rambler. I can't say I heard half of it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!


Peace,
MD

First Fulltime

I have been FINALLY hired!

Gosh, I must've applied to a 100 positions or so in the past couple of months! I only managed to get 4 interviews, including CHINA (I was desperate). I've been even rejected from staples, in which an interview was not even given.

My ideal would have been that one Research Assistant job where I could have delved into research, scientific writing, customer service, and administration.
However, I was accepted into this one amazing call centre who has a client that is based in NYC!

So, no matter how much I mess up, I will never really meet said customers. In fact, I may even talk with celebrities (doubt it).

what's amazing is how nice everyone is so far. All colleagues seem nice, we met the VP on the first training day, we have been told to reach out for help whenever needed, and everything is being realistic and straight forward. I love that.

I'm supposed to be paid 12$ an hour, it's full time, 2 weeks paid vacation, and my benefits will kick in in 3 months!

I asked to switch to the night shifts only, and I will get 13$/hr for that! Which is great! that way I free up my mornings for volunteering and hopefully if my friend passes her research assistant job to me, it would be glorious experience.

My resume is gonna get hyped, but what's great is that I feel so much more relaxed now. I feel like I have some aspect of control over my life. I'm slowly crawling out of the valley of despair and making peace and amends with the fact that I will never be a doctor.

It's hard, but at least even if I do not get accepted into any type of program or masters next year, I will still have a paying job.


Truely, Alhamdulellah.

Peace,
M.D.

BusyBusyBusy

I sit writing this at three in the morning.

but, I haven't quite gotten a couple of hours to myself for two weeks now.

First my Stats assignment, then studying for the exam, then my final. The day after, my sister and I cleaned the house for 8 hours straight because my family was coming from Kuwait.

The following day, it was some more tidying up and errands. Of course, I dropped my sister off at around 7:30-8:00 am then went back to sleep after I got home. I didn't sleep more than six hours altogether.
First day of Eid, I only slept for a solid 2 hours before I went to eid prayer at my university's football field. It was a shame my lil sis couldn't come. I love eid prayer because you really see the muslim community together. Dad met Alex for the first time, it was neither good nor bad, it went well, better than expected, but with my dad it can spiral either way. Now we have to play our cards right. Mom and I had to break down the conversation in the car to my sister, and I threw my mom under the bus so my sister wouldn't sound too bad. She got the hint and followed through with what I started and then later she apologized to mom, who said it was a smart move. We ate at Corra's where I left hungry and agitated that my sister kept offering my food to others because it was plenty in her eyes. Then we went shopping for furniture. (the house is empty)

Next day, my uncle and his family were to come from Toronto, so I cooked enough for 11 people, only to find out my uncle milked it and wasn't coming at 5 pm like I was told, but 11 pm. I also burnt my elbow by pressing it against the oven pan. I also applied to 12 Tutoring/teaching jobs abroad.

Today, I applied to another job... I dropped my sister off for the second time to her job, then I couldn't buy any gift for my sister's upcoming birthday because all the stores were closed that early in the morning. So, I waited until Spencer's opened, and the merchandise was disgusting. I also couldn't go downtown because dad called saying that my uncle wanted to switch to another motel because this one was bad. What's weird is that my dad's paying, and he could have at least googled or searched good places in the month he knew he was coming.
I did get fatayer, not the best, maybe just the meat. My dad was pretty hostile towards my mom. We went to P. cove. my dad and uncle were rather loud and embarrassing I had to tell them to be quiet a few times. My cousins and I took a bunch of pictures and climbed about the rocks there. Then we went to a memorial then to a place to make coffee for my uncle. Except said place they decided to sit in, has a no trespassing sign, so mom ended up leaving them and sitting with us on the public bench. She disliked doing anything immoral in front of us as to not leave a bad image or look like a hypocrite so we don't lose her respect. It reminded me of Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. Mom refuses I buy the book, but I think I will.

Afterwards, we got home, they got 4 lobsters, some fish, and also yesterday's leftovers to make and eat. Then we played uno, spoons, and cheater. It was fun. I heard the older folks laughing downstairs, when it quite I wanted to join them, but all I saw was mom and dad yelling then mom walked out for a smoke to calm herself which really bothered me. My mom is very stoic. I sometimes wish my parents would divorce, but I feel I'm in no place financially to do that.

It's just unfortunate. and I know it's because of grandma, but it's not just one persons actions.

Anyhow, today was the last day of eid. I will try to buy a gift tomorrow somehow after we go berry picking.

Peace,
M.D.

Something Sweet

My sister and I visited a friend who had recently given birth. Her child was all kinds of adorable, like a cat. And I absolutely adore kittens, perhaps the only creatures that evoke an unconditional love to. It had me thinking, if a child was this small, and adorable, and with such a sweet temperament, then perhaps it wouldn't be bad to adopt younger kids. It would be more interesting if I adopted a child whilst i breastfed my own. In islam, my own child and the adopted one would become siblings in nursing (thus never able to marry/ don't have to cover up in front of each other, etc.) Which would make them feel more like siblings growing up.

That would be absolutely beautiful.

With that being said,  my sister told me something really sweet on the car ride home. She said out of all of us, she thinks I would love my children the most. I was taken back by her sudden comment, and she said it's due to my possessive nature that I would love my children a lot. I never quite considered it from that perspective before, but she may be on to something.

I think she would make a good mom too though, I think anyone who puts enough effort can be a good mom. 

I wonder what the future holds.

Peace,

M.D.

A Fated Meeting between a Boy and a Cat

The boy walking home found a corpse of a cat on the street

as it was hit by a car.

He shrugged and kept walking home.

Soon enough the next day he was walking back from home.

He heard tiny mews.

Curious to the sound, he looked around and found a small kitten. The first encounter.

He picked the kitty up and took it home, assuming the deceased cat was the mother.

The next day he walked home

He heard another mew.

He looked some more and found another kitten. Startled by his findings he tried to look around had he missed more kittens, considering a litter can be up to six.

He found none.

He carried the second kitten home to its brother and did his best at washing them.

The third day he heard yet another mew, this time much more faint.

Panicked at the fact the mother has been deceased for several days, the kitten must be starved.
He looked around and found two more kittens, the latter barely moving.

He carried the two kittens back to their two siblings at home and put them in a shoe box, fed them some formula milk, and wrapped a blanket around a hot water bottle to keep them warm.

A couple of days passed, and their swollen eyes had not yet opened, unusual to their presumed age.

The vet said their eyes were infected, gave them some shots and said there isn't much he can do.

The kittens woke the kid up at night to drink.

Soon, they got strong enough to climb up his shirt, impatient kittens unable to wait while their siblings were being bottle fed.

They were beginning to play with one another, the first found kitten developed a habit of lapping at its siblings before falling asleep.

The swelling did not reduce and one kitten developed an infection between its legs.

The boy and his mother rushed the kittens to the vet, but nothing could be done.

They were put to sleep.

The end

The kid was me.

(Minor details altered in the story.)

Peace, M.D.

Failed the MCAT a 4th time.

I feel like I'm mourning the death of my unborn child.

I met all the minimum requirements 'cept for one. 123 on CARS (Critical Analysis & Reasoning Skills) section. 128 on Psych, and 126 on the rest. Absolutely pitiful.

It's pathetic that I should even feel this upset about something so mundane, yet I can't help but mourn my efforts and try and try and try and try again just to get crushed by this scaled exam that so many pass with ease.

Peace,
M.D.