mood: numb and a lil angst
Where to start?...from the morning, I guess.
Woke up exhausted and sleepy at 9 am, nothing new.
Walked to volunteer as I do every Saturday. I saw Kira and Page on my way out which is unusual. They let me know I had a package with my name on it. Which was really great because I loved that last year. It was a goody bag as a thank you for volunteering.
My mood got officially fucked when I called my mom. I call her about once a week or so, God forbid she picks up the phone on her part because she will disturb us or something. As if a missed call from her once in a while would be so bad.
No point in arguing over that one again.
She called to let me know that my sister had told her of what happened yesterday, which was that I did not want to proof read her paper. My mom told me that my sis always helps me out and she always offers to help me when she notices I'm in distress, which is true.
Mom told me not to let my sis know she told me of this, but she just wanted to hear my perspective of the story.
So, I told her I don't feel like it's fair that I have to worry about what other people have to do on top of the things I have due too.
As if I didn't know I was a shitty sister already, but am I really supposed to carry my bachelors degree on my shoulders and also get ready for surprise extra work on my DAY OFF. "day off", if you call waking up early morning to eat icecream with your volunteer group and research professor a day off...
I told mom that Friday was the only day I was able to relax in in two weeks (including weekend). I should have said 3 weeks, but I forgot I was busy the weekend before that too.
She told me that my sister wasn't complaining when she said all of this. And that I should have told her that, and that she just said she finally understood why I never ask her for help or always reject her offers to help. It's so that I don't feel obligated to help her.
I don't even know if that's even false. I do hate being obligated to do anything, but I also dislike asking for help and I don't like it when people do what I'm supposed to do because it will never be the same as my work and I just feel wrong. It's hard to explain.
Also, I know what I'm capable of, if I wanted to help her, I would have. I just didn't because I'm selfish and I want a fucking day off for FUCKS SAKE, because I still have things to do, but I figured if I can relax friday, then I can work on them on Saturday and Sunday.
My mom said I need to learn how to ask for help, but it's my shit anyways, I know what I can handle. It's just so frustrating.
Then I tell mom I need to go because I'm feeling like shit at this point. It isn't like I don't already know that I push my sister off a lot of times, but it just suffocates me and there's no good way to say that.
My mom asked why, and I told her, well I'm in the bus, I'm going to school. no, duh, back to how weekends don't exist for me.
She then apologized if she bothered me...but fuck.. I call once every week or two and all she says is shit that upsets me. awesome reinforcer to keep calling.
Then when I went to university to meet up with my group, as usual. One girl is a whole fucking hour and a half late because she forgot. and another girl was 20 minutes late.
So I ended up talking to Mash and her friend for a bit. I told her I will flip out if work doesn't get done, because I was so pissed after that phone call. Then I slumped on a chair and just drained out. She's a jumpy girl, so the convo flowed and I informed her I wasn't hormonal, because she said she was and that all girls are. Then she took a minute and said " don't take this the wrong way, but you're like a guy. You're soooo chill all the time. you're the only girl who doesn't get moody and hormonal."
Like, why would I ever reinforce that shit stereotype. Also, not all women PMS and I'm just a nervous wreck when I'm stressed unless it's close to due date.
I laughed it off. It wasn't anything new. I've been thinking I was more like a guy than a girl since I was 12. My disinterest in feminine things and chill attitude supposedly makes me less of a woman. My sister pointed that out a month ago when she bought herself new pants. I "didn't say the right words" I seemed uninterested and was just texting on my phone.
Augh, give me a break.
So, we got some stuff done, but I was a little on edge by the end of it, I had to go buy groceries then cook.
I bought groceries, but I was so late that my sister just went to pick up something to eat, then she offered to give me a drive, but I just reached the store when she said that. Kind of annoying. It's so annoying...
I was so zoned out the rest of the day, and after eating I took a 2 hour nap, then my sister joined me for some of it which pissed me off because she was on my bed and was making me warmer.
I hate it when people touch me, I can't help it. I can fake some a little bit, force myself to hug briefly, but I hate it so much.
Everything I say is always wrong too, but then she wants me to communicate and talk. Would anyone run through a mine field? specially when they don't even enjoy running.
I'm just feeling like I'm in a dead zone. My brain's fried right now. I just wanted one day...
Just one day...
to do nothing.
I really want to live on my own sometimes...it would be boring and plain, and I know no one would talk to me, but.. I really hate when people expect me to do these things that are out of my comfort, when I'm supposed to be the most comfortable.