Depressing

It hurts so much when your online friends compliment you; call you nice, great, sweet, caring, when you don't think you are those things. Am I just nice to people online and horrible to my family or am I nice in general with a horrible family? It can't be anything other than those two options.
I hate who I am as a person and I strive to make myself better through activities..but I don't focus on the most important thing, which is my attitude and my lack of efficient communication. I find it really hard to talk and I don't know why. I just don't like talking when I don't feel comfortable or just don't like talking when I have nothing to say. Yet, I always  chat and type with complete strangers online. What's wrong with me? or rather,
What's right with me? and..why is it only online people who see it? then again, not everyone online thinks so, but those people's opinions don't count since they're disrespectful.
maybe I'm disrespectful. I kinda wish I was dead sometimes. He was right when he said i dissociate from my problems. I avoid anything and everything that doesn't make me feel comfortable by either spacing out, or ignoring, or changing subjects. I don't like to argue back because I think it's a waste of time and energy and I always end up saying ALL the wrong things. Every time I talk, I say something either dumb or hateful and it's depressing. I don't like who I am around my sister. Someone so selfish, self centered, mean and lazy.